My Resolution: Anita, It’s Over!

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 I have a toxic relationship with Anita.  I am both dependent on her and I enable her.  I think that she serves a useful purpose in my life, yet in my heart, I know we’d be better off separated. She’s on my mind all the time, yet she rarely gets me headed in the direction I need to be headed.

Geeeez, you’re thinking, who is this Anita and why have you let her take over your life!?  Anita isn’t actually a real person at all.  She is me saying the phrase “I need to…”, so fast and so often that according to my husband it sounds like “Anita”.  I’ll give you some examples of how Anita functions in my life: “Anita vacuum!”; “Anita do the laundry!”; “Anita brush the dogs’ teeth!”;  “Anita make the kids’ well-visit appointments!”; “Anita go grocery shopping!”; “Anita clean the toilet!”; “Anita finish that porch painting project I started three months ago!”; “Anita workout!”

The thing about Anita though is that I rarely ever do what I say I need to do in that moment.  So, essentially, I just keep reminding myself over and over about how I am failing to do all of these things.  Seriously exhausting.  Anita get full-time help is what Anita do, but Anita get some more money for that.  And, even if I did have full-time help, Anita would find other things that Anita do.

Anita also comes out during my list-making sessions.  I’m not sure why I bother to create new lists, because they all mostly look the same.  There are always the same chores and things to get done on them.  This is opposed to when I had a full-time job outside the home and the lists were new and exciting everyday.  One project’s Anita list looked nothing like the next.  Anita and I did just fine there.  I also had the time to focus on the list without two children and two dogs interfering with my productivity.

But, alas we’re not doing well here at home and Anita and I need to break up.   Usually I wouldn’t recommend getting into a new relationship so soon, but when you know, you just know, right?  I’d like to get in a new relationship with “I am…”.  The key with “I am” though is that I can only be with her when I’m ACTUALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT THEN.  Not in 20 minutes, not in the next day or two.  Because really, that would be starting a relationship with Anita again, and we’re over.  It didn’t work the first time with her, it won’t work the second time either.  So, here’s my examples of “I am” from this week: “I am clearing the clutter off the counters.  I am going to the gym.  I am taking the dogs for a walk.  I am making everyone dentist appointments.”

“I am” gets things done.  She doesn’t dwell on what she hasn’t yet accomplished.  She doesn’t talk about that.  This relationship makes me feel good.  I don’t have any bad feelings when I leave her company.  Quite the opposite, I have clean floors, a load of laundry in the washer, or just ran a mile.  She waits patiently and doesn’t guilt me when I can’t “I am…” in that moment, because she knows I have two kids, two dogs, and a husband who are currently being given my attention.  And, sometimes when life feels overwhelming, I’ve learned I can just say “I am” and then do nothing.  She likes that best of all.  Now that’s a REAL friend.

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